Friendship Has Never Been More Dangerous. It's Also Never Been More Important.

COVID-19 is over. But we are still suffering through a pandemic — but of mental rather than physical illness. The most obvious illustration of this is the unprecedented increase in suicide.

Suicide rates have steadily increased over the last 20 years, particularly in women.

A civilization that drives its citizens to end their own lives is not one that is functioning.

What has been mostly ignored in this discussion, however, is the impact of mental health issues on other people — not just the person who’s suffering illness. It’s said that hurt people hurt people. And when 50,000 of our fellow citizens are so profoundly hurt that they end their own lives, they’re bound to cause a whole lot of hurt to others, too.

That is, in fact, what recent research appears to show. Disorders of social dysfunction such as borderline personality disorder — which involves “a strong fear of abandonment,” “mood swings and anger,” and “a pattern of unstable, intense relationships” are increasing. This has made friendship more dangerous than ever and has probably contributed to the fact that people are spending less and less time with other human beings. Getting close to someone with borderline, for example, can be hazardous, as they inflict their own suffering on those around them.

I have seen this repeatedly in my own life and organizing. One of the primary reasons our grassroots organizing stalled in 2018 was because of conflicts caused by people experiencing mental health crisis. Seemingly small disagreements would escalate, through exaggeration and rumor and psychological projection, into massive crisis.

Yet despite it all, friendship is more important than it has ever been. The superpower of the human species is cooperation, and that can’t be achieved without friendship. And if movements are able to sustain friendship, in a world where the rest of our species is suffering a collapse in social trust, that would give us an extraordinary edge over our adversaries.

But friendship is most important because it fulfills a basic human need: meaning, in a world where meaning is in short supply. We are at our best, both individually and collectively, when we are around the people we love.

And that is why the terms of my conviction, which have banned me from contacting or being near some of my closest friends, have been so hard. I’m not allowed to be around the people I love.

Priya, my best friend, and partner in the founding of Direct Action Everywhere. Today is her day of birth and, as such, a beautiful day for all sentient beings. Everywhere she walks or talks, she brings a passion and love that so many of us need in our lives. And she gives it so freely, so generously, that it pulls out the passion and love in the rest of us, too.

Jon, who came forward into this movement from a moment of darkness: the tragic loss of his sister to a terrifying genetic disease. Despite the shadow hanging over him, from the day I met him 13 years ago, Jon has been a spiritual anchor for me and for so many others. There is no one whose goodwill I trust more than Jon’s. He is a moral compass in a world that feels like an ethical wasteland.

It was friendships like these that fueled the power of the animal rights movement in the Bay Area over the last 10 years. And if we are to save the world, or ourselves, we will need more such friendships to flourish. So what made them so powerful?

The first thing is time. We often look for the newest toy, in a world where new toys are coming in droves. And yet powerful friendship is a product of a shared past, the longer the better. I know Jon and Priya. They know me. We have been through so much crisis and success together that, like a well-trained orchestra, we can improvise even when one of us makes a mistake. It is worth investing in friendship, over the long term, and all of us should be identifying people in our lives whom we want to spend time with, not just in the next year or decade, but for the rest of our lives.

The second is loyalty. Loyalty has become a bit of a dirty word. Equality and justice are much more in fashion. And not all loyalty is good. One can look at so many episodes of warfare in history, and even in the present day, to understand that. And yet there is a type of loyalty that remains key to human flourishing. It is not loyalty of ideas, or even of identity, but of care. We should seek to find people who fiercely care for us — who are loyal to us in compassion — no matter what else happens in our lives.

But I think the third aspect of friendship is the most important, and perhaps the most surprising. That is joy. We need people around us who bring us joy. People who laugh at our jokes, in a way that makes us feel like the world’s greatest comedian. People who beam from our successes, in a way that even our parents will never understand. People who see us fall in love, and are as happy for us as we are happy ourselves. These are the people who are the most powerful friends.

And these are the people, the relational attributes, we must find in our lives.

It is perhaps the primary way I have failed in the last 5 years. Since my incarceration in 2023, I have not had much joy in my life. And friendship cannot thrive without joy any more than a flower can bloom without sunlight.

I like to think I’m coming out of that shadow, however. I think we all are. I hope you’ll find some time, loyalty, and joy in the people around you. And offer it to others, too.